Has your sexuality changed since taking testosterone?

I’ve gotten this question quite a few times. The short answer is yes, it has. The long answer is yes but it’s complicated.

As a kid I was raised Catholic and sexuality wasn’t really even a thing, let alone queer sexuality. When I came out as a lesbian in college, I had already had the sense that I wasn’t actually a lesbian. I knew I was bi, because I had been attracted to guys before, but didn’t have the sexual vocabulary or self-awareness to do anything with that information.

I also didn’t have the self-knowledge that I was trans* until much later.

Because I didn’t know I was trans*, I couldn’t have really guessed what my sexuality was or would be. And even as I type that, it sounds ridiculous, because sexuality is fluid. When we learn more about ourselves, our sexuality can change. When we have experiences with other people, our sexuality can change. We react to our surroundings, but also to our deep, inherent feelings about ourselves.

When I was a lesbian, I knew that sometimes I was attracted to men, but it was so few and far between that it didn’t really register enough for me to do anything about it. My Catholic upbringing also taught me that it’s possible to repress any feelings, no matter how strong. So I repressed them for awhile.

Although I had mostly dated women, I started to accept that I was also attracted to other genders. It was welcoming and not unexpected, since I had already had that feeling in college, but didn’t know how to articulate it.

When I was in college, queer female culture was uncomfortable with bisexuality. Despite a majority of queer people identifying as bi or pan, most of queer female culture sneered at bisexuality when I was coming out. Even close friends of mine would say awful things about bi women whom they had either dated, or heard about from a friend who broke their heart and left them for a man! Imagine, a bisexual woman also dating men, right? And bi men weren’t something anyone talked about or acknowledged as even a possibility.

Being a “gold star” was revered, and since I was a gold star by virtue of not having sex with anyone at all, I decided to just keep it that way, since it somehow, for reasons I didn’t quite understand, made me more attractive to other queer women. Since I didn’t feel entirely comfortable dating men anyway, I dated women and called myself a lesbian, although I knew somewhere in my heart it wasn’t entirely true.

The time I really started to question and think critically about my sexuality was when I came to Berlin.

People talk a lot about how Berlin is a magical place where everyone is queer and polyamorous…and it’s not necessarily untrue. If someone isn’t queer, they’ve probably had a queer experience or at least thought critically about why they’re straight. Most people have complicated genders, even if they present heteronormatively. Everything is complicated and also so simple.

Being able to talk to other queer/trans people like me, made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with complicated feelings about my gender and sexuality. Just being in that environment made it possible for me to open up other possibilities for myself.

The main shift in my sexuality did come with taking testosterone from the Low Testosterone Treatments i got, but not because testosterone is a magical serum which somehow changes your personality and/or sexuality along with your gender presentation. What I believe from my experience and that of others, is that hormone therapy allows you to express your gender in a way that is more authentic and natural to you, and thus allows you to explore your natural sexuality without any hindrances regarding your own discomfort of your gender.

When I started to feel more comfortable in a more masculine presenting body, I felt empowered to date male-identified or masculine-leaning people, which I had never felt comfortable doing before. I was finally able to express something about my sexuality that I couldn’t have until I accepted that I was trans*. I think a big part of this is simply feeling comfortable in my body. When you feel comfortable in your body, you feel sexy, and can realize yourself sexually. This applies to anyone, not just trans people.

This doesn’t mean you need hormones to explore your gender. Just having the self-knowledge of the nuances of your gender, and allowing yourself to express that is enough. If you want/need hormones and/or surgeries, then that’s what you want/need. If not, that’s equally valid. All genders and all sexualities are valid, no matter how they correspond.

For example, a trans man can date a cis man, a cis man can date a trans woman, a trans woman can date a non-binary person. There are infinite possibilities!

What are your experiences of your gender and sexuality? What were your defining moments when realizing your sexuality? Has it changed over time, and what was a catalyst for that change?

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